mrlovelady

You know, I haven't thought about the origin of the username that I have in a long while. See, "Mr Lovelady" was supposed to be an ideal. He was supposed to be what I wanted to end up as after I fixed all of my shit. Today I noticed something completely without hunting for it.

I'm close. I'm so close that I've caught its scent on the wind. I'm in pursuit

Right now is the most treacherous part for me because I feel like it is very easy to do something stupid and wreck my life again.

Just have to breathe easy.It's not clear, but all I have to do is step firmly and laugh gently.

And get laid. OMFG I need to get laid.

Sometimes, I guess we all have to be weak.

I have been going hard for months now without giving up. Maybe this weekend was just a funky weekend. It's had me a bit fucked up, and I shared something I've never shared before. I feel a little better, it's just... weird.

Just breathe easy. It'll be OK.

There is FUN STUFF coming this weekend! I just need to go to court earlier, and remember to bring my bike.

I've made great progess in my mental and emotional states, and come to terms with what I am. I'm OK with it.  I don't know what it is that needs to happen, so I can feel the desire to affect something, to cause drama. So I just need to maintain control with my eyes, feet, and mind in forward gear. I'm jonesing for a woman, ladies and gents, but any one I pick up right now is going to be unhealthy. The best way out of it is to go through this particular transition as efficiently as I can. Efficiently, and unattached.

You know what mineral I associate with? Corundum. Corundum is crystallized Al203 with iron, chromium, and titanium in the mix. The alumina supplies the framework, the iron supplies malleability, the titanium supplies strength, and the chromium supplies luster.

Part of me wants to seek out people who have monster parts as well, but you know what that'd do? It'd feed the parts I have. I'd feel better, but man, can you imagine if I became more monster than person? I know I've talked about feeling like a monster, but the tipping point is when you start taking enjoyment in your monstrosity. You stop struggling with it, and you go over to it's side. I don't really know what my proportion is, but I know that I'm more than you all already. I hate feeling this way, but I'm not about to shut it out, because that road leads to an incorrect path, and a very certain outcome.

I don't want it.  I just want to be happy, and to love. That's not really all I want, but I'm not going to say the rest, because it is stupid and pointless. People say to me that it takes time, but hasn't it been long enough? So I don't mention it. I have tried deluding myself in to thinking that if I fake it long enough, it will go all animal farm on me, but I know that to be untrue from experience.

Maybe I need to do another fast. I just feel off kilter. I'm out of tune, but I can't find the right string to adjust. Exercising harder will help. I think that if I go to the point of exhaustion every time, that it will push me further. I have to beat this shit. I just have to. There isn't another positive option. I'm in a god damned saltwater delta, trying to get to the sea.

It's just a little further.
It can't be that much more.

I've only been burning at an anthracite rate. It gets shit done, and it's fine. But that won't get me past the threshold. Every option I see still ends in failure.

I require nuclear fusion, so I will set on it this week. If you can't see the exit in front of you, then either it doesn't exist, or it's behind the curvature of the earth.

I want to go so fast, that not even God could catch me.

I have to get to the end. There has to be a way out.

One thing I don't like about the wee small hours of the morning is that it makes me reminiscent. I'm tired, so my control and defenses against myself weaken.

That stupid ache comes back, and it complains about whiny emo bullshit that I don't have time for. I used to write it all down and repeat the same BS over and over again, but...

I'll just keep it in. It doesn't help me, and it only causes trouble.

I don't think I'll mess with Ana. She's older, probably looking for a relationship. She was just attracted to me, so I was attracted back.

God damn it... I just need to hold someone. I guess.

Whatever. I'm going to sleep.

As long as you break the cycle and go someplace new, then it's worth it.

I'm going to date Ana, but I was unable to pick her up in the first 10 minutes like I normally do. This is because she is already dating someone, so her anti slut defenses are on high.

This will take about 2 weeks of real time and about 4 hours of personal time to accomplish.

I'm going to take her to go fly kites, because she's never done it before.

Am I an asshole? Yeah. But she had 4 ioi's in a 5 minute period, and kept saying how she's "seeing someone, but it's fresh". What she means by this is "I'm interested in seeing you, but I don't want to go break off a current relationship for someone who I've only ever seen once, and only for a 1.5 hour period. You have to make it worth my while."

She has that same vibe that Linda had, and she's a good bit older than me as well, but... Fuck it. I don't feel like being celibate anymore, and since Tiffanie is going to have her own room, I don't think it will be a problem.

The only major negative is that she's in a stage of her life that she is probably looking to settle down and all that jazz. I'll have to find out, because I'm really only interesting in having fun.

I don't wanna die, but I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me. Nothing really matters. Anyone can see that nothing really matters to me.

Let's step up the tempo.

I ain't got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown. I had strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on me.

Faster, please.

Pronto a far tutto la notte e il giorno sempre d'intorno in giro sta. Vita pi- nobile per un barbiere vita pi- nobile no, non si d....

Even faster.

You gotta drive, problem at the angle of the ride. Blast when you crash through the exit. We still alive, but the opposition gotta die, when they go then it's on to the next shit. When the car screeched off, I blast my heat off thus crackin' our winshield. That stud shoulda been killed, kept shootin' 'till I seen his bloody body do a windmill.

And something to level it.

She told me that there was a note for me, that was left behind
She had left it there waiting, for such a long time
I was inclined to ask about it but she brought it up first
I saw a tear swelling up in her eye, and then she cursed
She told me where the letter was and I started thinking the worst
Reversed my position, stepped over and opened the door
And sure enough there was an envelope with my name on the floor
"Nobody loves you more than me carino" is what the letter said

"By the time you get to read this, I'll probably be dead
But when you left in '97 a part of me went to Heaven
I thank God at least I got to know what love really was
But it hurt me, to see what true love really does
'Cause even though we never made love, you were all that there was
It was because I loved you so much that I had to make you leave
You made me doubt the way I thought, you made me want to believe
And then I slipped up, and I let you get close to me
It was hard to not be openly when people spoke to me
This was not the way I thought my life was supposed to be
Baby don't you see, I had a blood transfusion that left me with HIV
Hoped the end exists for me since late in 1993
I died a virgin, I wish I could've given myself to you
I cried in the hospital because there was no one else but you
Promise that you'll meet me in paradise inevitably
No matter what, I'll keep your love forever with me"

What happened for the rest of the day is still a blur
But I remember wishing that I was dead, instead of her
She was buried on August 3rd
The story ends without a sequel
And now you know why Technique, don't fucking fall in love with people
Hold the person that you love closely if they're next to you
The one you love, not the person that'll simply have sex with you
Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone

OK. I'm good. Now I'm ready for some Jimmi.

Tonight, I jogged down to the place where I like to work out, and got to it. I was naturally winded because of my lack of cardio, but found my workout to be refreshing, exhilarating, and pleasurable for the first 30 minutes.

I then hooked my ankles into the bench, and extended my body outward with only the bench seat supporting me. Why you ask? To make it harder.  I do it harder to make it better. I do it faster to become stronger. My muscles began to complain about a lack of ATP, but I insisted on completing that last set.

As it was complete, I lay back in the grass and noted that I was feeling chilly. I still had upper body to go, so I put my feet up on the bench seat so that my body was parallel to the ground when my arms were extended, and began in slow downs and explosive ups. After completing two sets, I was feeling like a badass, and decided to try something I've seen done on numerous occasions by martial artists; the one handed push up.

I went down, and pushed. I couldn't push myself up. Damn it. I tried again, and got a little less than half way up and fell, jamming my face into the soil. Damn it to hell.

"You stupid fucking arm. I require you to push, so PUSH!" I chastised. I pushed again. Higher, higher, and higher until.... YES! I'd done it!

"Dayum I'm good!" I exclaimed.

Then I heard something out of place. Was that applause? I turned around, bewildered. A couple out with their dogs was clapping and making a growling noise at me.

I'm a fair skinned person in the first place, and when I get worked up I turn red, but with them clapping I must have turned purple. They came over and told me that I was making their dogs chatter with my growling. I didn't understand. They said when I was pushing up, I made an "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Noise.

OMG. LOL

"Heh. Sorry. I didn't realize it."

After they left, I could not finish my workout properly because I would notice that I make that noise, and laugh. I never make that noise in the gym because there are people around. Oh well. Evidently I am too focused on motivating myself to look cool while working out.

LOL

Also. My stomach feels unwell.

I had fun tonight.

It was a nice break from work and trying to get more work.

Now, it's time to fix my body, and I won't stop until it's over.

'Few extraordinary woman ever "choose" the ones who stand by as safety.'

Am I an extraordinary man? Not really. I have some dandy stuff on the inside, but everyone does. I want to be extraordinary on the outside; body, career, spirit.

I want an extraordinary life.

Imma git dat shit, cuz.

I'm not getting anywhere with the 2nd job business, so this week is my last week to fuck off. Sunday begins training and moving closer to what I want. My first goal is to get a porn body.

I want a body that people would pay to watch. (Or at least spend a little time googling me. ;) )

Fear -
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

• When I was afraid of heights as a kid, I would climb trees and rocks to get as high as I could.
• When I was afraid of snakes, I sought them out and grew comfortable, knowledgeable, and respectful of them.
  
• When I feared electrocution, I maintained respect, and over time learned habits to avoid it, and what to do if I'm hurt.
  
• When I feared being burned, I burned my flesh with a lighter, stuck my hands in boiling water, took showers with the heat all the way up.
• When I feared drowning, started trying to breathe mouthfuls of water, and eventually learned that your lungs seal off if water is detected in your throat. Although, I was successful in getting about 1 cup of water into my lung before I coughed it out.
• When I feared freezing to death, I filled a bathtub full of ice, and sat in it until my body temp got to 93 according to the baby thermometer.
• When I was afraid of being hit, I got my buddy to hit me until I wouldn't flinch.
• When I was afraid of falling, I learned to fall correctly.
• When I was afraid of breaking bones, I tried to break my arm, but was unsuccessful. I only hyper extended my elbow.
• When I was afraid of being stabbed, I stabbed myself. Not deeply, and only with an icepick.
• When I was afraid of being cut, I cut myself, and learned how to sew a small, but strong stitch.
• When I was afraid of strangers, I sought them out and made friends.
  
• When I was afraid of murders/killers/gangsters, I made sure to be more effective at violence than they were.
• When I was afraid of gross foods, I tried gross foods, and learned that most aren't half bad. Except brussel sprouts. Fuck brussel sprouts.
• When I was afraid of clowns, I studied them, learned their clown ways and clown gods. I found that they were nothing more than men in paint. (This was when I was very small. ) But they still make me nervous. Fuck clowns. I especially would like to fuck clowns who are curvaceous and sexy.
  

My point is that every fear that I've ever had has been overcome by gritting my teeth and meeting it at its doorstep. The other day and last night JJ and I were talking about fear, and said that I wouldn't have any troubles on The Amazing Race or Fear Factor because I don't have any tangible fears.

Up until today I had only one fear; dying alone.

It's such a silly fear looking at it now. I had that fear when I was more isolated and soulless. When I NEEDED someone to love me. Now, not that much has changed around me, but I have completely changed as a person. I understand that I am surrounded by people that love me, and as long as I have friends and family, then I will never be truly alone. I do hope one day to have someone that I can share my life and start a family with, but... I don't require it. It is something that would make me happy, adding to who I am and what my life is all about.

As of today, I can truthfully say that I am not afraid of anything.

Not even opening myself up to people.

Not even death.

Not even Love.

But maybe clowns just a little until I sleep with one. ;)
Just for fun, here are some videos. NSFW.
A guy Clown (This one is funny).
A girl Clown (Warning, there are popups).
Lesbian Clowns (AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).

Hyogo Narutomi once said,

"To win is to overcome your own side. To win, your own side must overcome itself. To win one's self is to overcome the body with the mind. Unless you train your spirit and you body everyday to such an extent that there is none comparable to you among the tens of thousands of samurais on your side, it will be impossible for you to defeat your enemies."

What is the use of being good when everyone else is good?

I am chasing perfection, knowing full well that I will not catch it. The reason for this, is that in the process of chasing perfection, I will attain excellence.

I am not remotely interested in being "good".

When I was out and about this weekend with JJ's Crew, I tasted a white russian for the first time, and have added to my repertoire.

Daniel's Typical Drinks:
Vodka Tonic with Lemon
Cognac with Cranberry
Dos Equis
White Russian
Vodka Shots (Belvedere is my Favorite)
Crown Neat

You know, I have changed a great deal under duress and by force of will power. I have defeated roughly 1/2 of my debt in the first month that I started working on it.  I have found happiness again, and am breathing easy, even if my muscles burn and my mind is tired. My spirit burns. It is aflame with the expression of pleasure, success, and is driven by desire to be more than I am; to be the best possible me.

There are two things that haven't changed, however. One is exterior and obvious, the other internal and you'd never guess it if you were to meet me.

I can change the 1st one, and it is technically easy for me, because I am hardcore about my exercise and lose weight madly when I work out. It's just that it's a very long term goal, because the crap takes time to do. I dedicate an hour and a half per day to it, and straight up skip the cardio if I don't have time. For whatever reason I don't do it at all if I can't do it in a way that I view as "right". When my debt is paid, then I will turn my uberman willpower to my body, and I will rock it out. Cut, but not etched. Firm, but not hard. I don't want rubber tubing for veins, I just want to look good naked. That's all.

To many people, "That's all." Is a horrendous amount of work, but the cool thing about me is as follows: My normal eating habits, even with burgers, fries, milkshakes, stirfry, meat everyday, fried foods, pasta, bread, carbs, anything you can think of does not affect my weight. My body requires about 5000 calories/day to maintain my weight. So since I straight up can't afford to exercise right now, I'm going to reduce my calories to about 3000 and see what happens.

I know that 5000 seems obscene, but I am on my feet all day. I lug around a toolbox that is around 60lbs wherever I go on my jobsite. I carry 2 bundles of steel conduit up 3 flights of stairs on my shoulder gently and without stain. I am truly a beast, it's just that I have all this extra mass.

I'm not going to change my diet, I know, because it's very much part of what I do. But Instead of a Bowl of cereal, fruit, and yogurt for breakfast, I'll just do Yogurt. Instead of 2 tacos and a Dr Pepper For break I'll just do 1 and some water. Instead of a burger and fries or a burrito for lunch, I'll get a pita or a soft taco. Dinner, well, dinner will stay the same, but I'll pull a snow white and eat half of what's on my plate. Easy peasy. I've never really changed my diet before, because I'd always eat completely differently for a week, then get burned out. It's not really that different. It's just less. I wish it were still summer so I could get my soup hot in the sun, but I can barely get it above tepid anymore, and that's just gross.

The other thing that is not so obvious, well...

I won't change that. I don't even think I can.

What's really important right now is that I maintain this momentum. I've said tons of times how I want to lose weight but it's always talk. Something happens to make me stop. 12 days the first time, Massive depression the 2nd time, and 2 jobs now. (I actually quit cheddar's, but I'll get a new job soon.)

Everything is as it should be right now. It's OK. It's more than OK, it's GOOD!

I'll live my life, steady chasing that paper. I'll live my life having no time for haters. I'll live my life, there's no telling where it will take you.

Because for the next few months, I'm a paper chaser.

I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished with the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid.   Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics. Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick.

So I'll let it be. Let it be. Let it be, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be.

Due to my exercise, and lack of both time and feminine stimulus, I am easy drawn toward sexual thoughts. I spoke with one of my cute lady friends today so sex has been on my mind. Suddenly I wondered...

Google "I want you to suck my"

Men if I want you to suck my tits through a wet t-shirt what would you want me to wet it with?

I WANT YOU TO SUCK MY NIPPLES,,, CAN YOU HANDLE THAT - w4w

YouTube - I WANT YOU TO SUCK MY TOES

Suck My Clit - Text With Audio - Literotica.com

How to say I want you to suck my penis in spanish translation

People are Pests: AT'T Can Suck My Dick!


Hahahaha

Also.

I'm always learning.

It maybe something silly like etymology, philosophical things like the pillars of buddhism or way of the samurai, nifty things like how electronic ballasts work, cool things like magic tricks or pressure point tricks, crazy things like how old school CPR involved shoving your fingers in a person's ass, or useful things like how to change my oil. Seldom, however, are those deep truth lessons. Here are the 2 that I've taken out of this past year.

1. In the absence of emotional satisfaction, I will instead attain what I feel is required to meet an overall positive end.

That was Beth. I'm not in anyway saying I didn't love her, because I did. It's just that I put more into her because I was planning on making a life with her. She was one of those marry early girls, and that worked out well for my plan at the time. It was interesting, because I grew to love her in a way BECAUSE I had wanted to have a plan, some outcome that was acceptable, even if it meant risking financial stability. I never really thought about it until the time of this writing, but I CHOSE to love her, I didn't push myself on it, but I leaned into it, and worked at it.

2. The loss of my best friend killed me. It straight up murdered my soul. I'm not the same person that I was.

I was crazy obsessed about her, and had 3 very clearly defined people in my head. I am not really one of those 3, I'm all of them, and a little more. After I attempted suicide, something clicked inside of me. It said to me "This is what you need to live." When I fasted, I cleared my mind out to a single conciousness, and... now I'm here.

While I was putting in cut-in boxes for the fire pull stations, I wondered to myself, am I happy with this life?

I'm definitely happiER, but I want more.

I got my best friend back, and I am on a hardcore 90 day exercise program. When I leave my family's house, I will have cut and polished my body, payed off my debt, and set myself up for success.

I can do this.

Edit: The thing is, I KNOW I can do this. This is all part of the design. It's just that stupid meaty circulatory organ that I don't know what to do with. I don't know if I can afford to give it out again. I mean sure, I loved beth, but I was NEVER vulnerable to her. Sure I missed her and I felt bad when I broke up with her, but, I missed Cesca and felt bad when I broke things off with her.

Vulnerability is the whole thing. I'm not vulnerable to my family, coworkers, everyday folken, Barrack Obama, Tea Baggers, Anti-Abortionists, WW2 Vets, Animal Vets, or even the people I consider my friends. All of them, if required, I could brush off. I'd feel bad about it, but I know I'd get over it.

In order to really love someone, you have to be vulnerable to them. You have to be willing to put yourself on the line for them, and them for you. I think it is easy to make yourself vulnerable to someone else, because... well I mean you just do it. Making someone vulnerable to you is kind of hard, but not so bad if you know what you're doing. You just have to be kind of a bastard.

To get that double vulnerability, I just... I straight up don't know how to make it happen, it just happens, and you can't really control it. The only thing to do is let it ride, and do what you need to get done.

That's why it aggravates me.

Oh well.

Maybe I'll get what I need one day.

Penetrating a group relationship is difficult to do on your own. It's not impossible, but it seems like it. Depending on the vector you choose, you are labeled as the "x" guy. The club guy. The useful guy. The guy who knows stuff. I have never successfully integrated into a group. The only way that I can think of to be part of a group as an adult is to form a new group.

Just breathe easy, and work hard. I refuse to give into self pity.

I'm Daniel, and my name means "God is my Judge." I can handle this. I can handle it all, because my gait is fast and steady. My muscles are toned, my skin is weathered, and my voice is firm. But I'll tell you, the reason I can cut through all of this, and the reason I succeed isn't because I'm hard, it's because of my hardness. I'm not a hard rock, I really am a gem.

But you know what's wearing on me? Touch. I was consistently in contact with Beth, and I became used to it. With it gone, I missed it, but I stayed in contact with her and maintained a level of satisfaction. Now though, there's nothing there, and I'm not through with wanting it still. Part of me wants to go get someone, but most of me says that we have to get down with our two jobs and murderous monetary multiplication.

It's funny, what I miss most isn't the sex. It's someone's hand to hold. It's the small of a woman's back. The curve of a shoulder blade.

Fuck this. It's time to go to sleep.

I've been really happy recently. Most of it has to do with seeing JJ again, paying debt, and being over Beth. I dare say 90% of it is seeing JJ again. I find myself enjoying the bliss of it, but something just occurred to me that is highly important.

Don't put too much into this. I don't mean it in the sense of "Be reserved, don't expose yourself." Because please, I LOVE exposing myself. I like exposing myself to women, men, children, dogs, trees, cars. Sometimes if I'm in an especially good mood, I'll expose myself to a cop, really though, still don't dig cops, so my rouse tends to fall flat.

;)

But reason I think that I am so happy is that I am not carrying around this horrendously dramatic baggage of "Do I love her? Do I not? I'M SO CONFUSED! BOO HOO HOO!" This has an interesting side effect of allow me to see her in the way that I think most people see her. Not as some exhalted sun kissed goddess of internal medicine.

A litmus test for me will be when she gets her next boyfriend. Thinking about doesn't seem to cause any negative emotion. It brings up an emotion similar to how I feel when Tracy and any of her boyfriends are around. It's sort of a warm politeness. "I don't know you, but I like x, and will make an effort to like you by extension." Really I can conjecture all I like, but it's a real world test that will burn it down to brass tacks.

I don't want to be mopey and all that so I try to keep everything with JJ light hearted and easy. In moments that seem like they are ending with a dramatic hug, I tickle her. When we're talking, I accuse her of only wanting to talk about House and America's Next Top Model. She asks me about waxing floors, and I answer her. We split the cost of the meal.

I just want to keep it fun, because she's my best friend, and I don't want to have any stakes driven between us. Having a steak driven between us would be weird too.