mrlovelady

Beth is fine, and I am relieved.

I was thinking about something too. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but why is it that you always seem to bite off more than you can chew?

Janet told me Beth had a fever of 106. She took her to a hospital. This was 2 days ago. She is still there.

Janet won't tell me what's going on, and she's not answering my calls or texts. Beth isn't answering either.

Is it 107 that brain damage occurs? Did she get up to 107? Please let it be 107, and not 106. Please. I don't want to google it to find out.

Please.

I'm sorry for being greedy, but I can't take another loss like this. I don't know what I'll do if she isn't OK.

Please be OK.

I just had another episode, which is pretty typical. They happen, and I can't really do that much but ride it out. THe thing that made this episode interesting was it's extended duration, and the fact that it came out while I was driving. They just keep getting worse, and I am not as effective as smoothing them out as I used to be. People say that "Things are always darkest before the dawn." But diseases aren't like that. Diseases worsen, you rot, and then you die.

I just miss my friend NOT MY FIRESND.

I'm just... deteriorating. I don't know what to do.

You see this shit? This is what she was getting away from. The toxicity levels in my soul are rising ladies and gents.

Is it worse to commit suicide, or to be commited, and made into a drug induced zombie, alienating all of those around you so that you die old, and alone in a place where they only find out you're dead because you haven't payed rent. I've been trying to be someone else, but I can't make it stick. The problem, I think, is that I genuinely like who I am, and wouldn't change anything from my current state. Well, I'd fix the crazy, of course, but... What can you do? LoL

The only thing that staves it off is being busy. And I'm being busy. I working working working, and studying, and reading, and eating, and talking, and walking, and all of these things... but I have to rest sometimes, and it hits me. I can't lay down without her in my brain. I can't sit. I can't cool off.

I have to remember that I did the correct thing.

I am correct in my actions, and that's what matters.

Jesus Christ. Did you know I've even been praying? I'm so messed up that I'm asking God for help.

Silly huh? You can't help but laugh.

And i do.

I laugh.

LoL

Maybe if I pretend to be someone else for long enough, it'll stick.

It worked before, and that's why I talk the way I do.

Well.

Ok.

I noticed today after not eating again, that I am exhibiting the signs of an eating disorder, but not any sort of body dysmorphia.

Double plus ungood, folken. I just don't get hungry really unless it's been a day or so.

It's 4:55 now, and I need to iron my shirt for work. This job has actually helped me in another way that I've noticed more recently. When I'm sad, I smile. When I'm angry, I smile. When I'm wounded/burned/scalded I laugh.

You know... This just confirms to me that I am too messed up for real relationships. I get upset, whine, and spaz out about you know who, but... that just shows me how I can't ever have a friend again.

You have to bury it all. You have to live in the shell that you make.

I'm here, and I'm alive, but today if figured out that I have built a prison around myself. My unstable emotions are my guards, and fear of hurting those people who are still around me is the cement around me. I won't give up, and go completely crazy, yet I can't dig my way out of this. I keep thinking I can, but it's an illusion.

I'm helpless, and won't ask for help, because I'm afraid I'll just drag someone down with me. I know that I'll bite the hand that offers help if you try.

I remember I asked why JJ was harsh to me and not to... the country dude who wanted to be a lawyer. She said
"Because I know you can take it."

I can take it.
I can take it.

LoL Time for work.

I just got back from a "boxing trainer". I asked him to hit me as hard as he could.

"Why?"
"I've just never had my ass kicked before. I'd like to know what it feels like."
"Nah, man. That's not kosher."
"Come on. I'll give you 5 bucks if you hit me."

He jarred me with the first hit, and I got that headache you get right after your brain sloshes around in your skull.

"I'm being serious. I want you to hit me as hard as you can. I want you to knock me out."
"What the fuck's you're problem, dude?"
"I just want to see what it's like. I've never been knocked out before. Don't worry about hurting me, and just do it."

And he did. He said I was out for maybe 10 seconds, and my upper cheekbone is a little swollen to prove it.

When I got up, I gave him the 5, and he jokingly said "I could use another 5. You want to get knocked out again?"

We both laughed, and I cleaned the blood out of my nose.

I feel better and not crazy when in physical pain, it's... not fortunate, but instead of spurts like this, what about something that doesn't actually damage the body, but still causes pain? The cilice fits those requirements, and is easy worn without notice. Not one made of hair. The metal one around the thigh.

Can't correct the cognitive dissonance (I miss her/I do not miss her), so I just am going to go around it.

I always find a way around a problem. Mortification helps. The opus dei folken only wear it for 2 hours per day. If I find one, I'll start with that.

You know, I wrote this whole bit, but this afterwards, I realized that if you were even remotely clever, you could figure out what I'm talking about.

It sucks, but what can you do?

It's just something that I need to accept as part of myself, or just fucking kill myself. I mean, historically speaking, those are the only two ways out of it.

At least living is more interesting, and I'm guaranteed to die.

Also, I'm afraid that Beth is using me to get a visa.

I was born on January 25, 1986 at roughly half past midnight to a mother with a perm, and a father whose voice was hoarse from chain smoking. Since then, I have invariably asked "Why?" "What if...?" and "How?". Often times, I find simple solutions with interesting consequences.

Daniel: You know... I fold my slacks like yours, but I fold my jeans differently.
JJ: Like how?
Daniel: I fold jeans on the seams, not on the folds like you would slacks.
JJ: I do them both like slacks.

I folded my jeans like slacks for a week, and discovered that the line I get on the front looks silly because my jeans aren't pleated. Now I fold them my old way.

Daniel: Do you put your wallet in your front pocket?
Shane: Yup. In my back pocket always hurts my back.

I now have it in my front pocket. I have no pressure pain, I sit properly, and my wallet is harder to steal.

Uncommon are revelations of truth that completely change my world view. To date, I can only think of 3, including the one I shall talk about.

"Under God" was not originally in the pledge of allegience. It was added in the early 1950's under Eisenhower. Originally written in 1892, it made no mention of God  for 68 years, until a Chaplain of the Sons of the American Revolution from Chicago named Louis A. Bowman added it. He then kept repeating it, saying that it was good, because Lincoln said it in the Gettysburg Address. Soon after, the Knights of Columbus decided that a national pledge not mentioning God was uncool, and it spread. When they tried to get it put into the pledge, Truman shot it down. Eventually a Presbyterian Minister named George MacPherson Docherty agreed with this, and used his influence on a newly converted Eisenhower to amend the pledge. Link.

I got 3 big lessons out of this:

1. It's much easier to make a person do what you want while they still have the new car smell.
2. Make a person feel like God is telling them to do it, and they will do it.
   
3. If you're going to do something truly messed up, like erode the seperation of church and state, then be sure to invoke Lincoln. (Because Lincoln "freed the slaves")

The next idea is a touch more abstract. It's not hard to understand, it's just that it can overwhelm you if you try to think about the individual parts, instead of the whole thing.

The future has only a finite amount of possible outcomes. The further back in time you go, the more outcomes are available to follow. Even if you go to the instant that our universe began, the outcomes are still finite because of the baseline... ingredients? Variables? Neither of those are quite right. All the crap that was around to cause the big bang. What if you had another teaspoon of proto-big-bang-material? Given the near incomprehensible size of Spacetime, and the nearly unfathomable density of that mass, it could make a HUGE difference when shot out over fifty quazillion kM. Each individual particle interacting in the hyposubatomic region of a bazillion years is impossible for us to know. It makes sense to me that if you made a thing that was able to catalogue every... thing and its vector, as well as make a thing that was smart enough to compile that information, you could have a blueprint for the universe. But I mean... to us, that'd be like tapping out prime numbers on a garbage can so that maybe a bacteria will understand why equalateral triangles are nifty.

Basically, there is fate. It's just we can't know our fate because our machinery isn't good enough, and we are too stupid to think of how to find out.

Today I learned about the GCA of 68. Even thought he 2nd amendment says that "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.", it limits who can own guns.

1. Anyone who has been convicted in a federal court of a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding 1 year, excluding crimes of imprisonment that are related to the regulation of business practices.
2. Anyone who has been convicted in a state court of a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding 2 years, excluding crimes of imprisonment that are related to the regulation of business practices.
3. Anyone who is a fugitive from justice.
4. Anyone who is an unlawful user of or addicted to any controlled substance.
5. Anyone who has been adjudicated as a mental defective or has been committed to a mental institution.
6. Any alien illegally or unlawfully in the United States or an alien admitted to the United States under a nonimmigrant visa.
7. Anyone who has been discharged from the US Armed Forces under dishonorable conditions.
8. Anyone who, having been a citizen of the United States, has renounced his or her citizenship.
9. Anyone that is subject to a court order that restrains the person from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of such intimate partner.
10. Anyone who has been convicted of a misdemeanor crime of domestic violence.

I'm sure most people reading this won't have any issues with this. Giving up a little freedom for a feeling of security isn't so bad is it? The reason this is interesting to me, is because I thought that this was always the way it was. Cool, huh?

One nifty thing I learned Here is that "Legally-owned (ie, NFA-registered) machine guns have been used in only two murders since 1934, one of which was committed by a police officer."

Being tired of not having friends, I decided to make some. The obvious place to start was, of course, the restaurant. Where else do I have interaction with people similar to my age range? Nottalotta places, ladies and gents. Who though? To whom should I seek out friendship? The dudes? Not yet. I wanted to get on some familiar ground first, so I decided to make friends with a female.

One of the consequences of working/living alone is that you find ways to entertain yourself. "What if", "Would you rather" and "What's your favorite" questions have always been a particularly succulent pleasure of mine. They are not only fun, but informative in a non-threatening way. A shortish girl with a toasted velveteen complexion chimed in as I was singing the lyric " I SAW THE SIGN! IT OPENED UP MY EYES I SAW THE SIGN!" She continued it with "Life is demanding without understanding." I was struck by this, and didn't move forward.

"I have no idea where I got that from. I haven't heard that in ages."
"I KNOW! I love that song. :) "

We then exchanged smaller tid bits.

"So A. What's your favorite food?"
"I think it's Sushi and Fried Chicken. I haven't had sushi in a while, and I really hate the fact that I like fried chicken so much, but I do. I'll eat it anywhere. Churches, Popeyes, KFC, HEB, My grandma's, whatever."
"Fried chicken. My Grand Mother can make some friend chicken."
"Southern, Right?"
"Pretty much."

"A, You said you haven't had sushi in a while. Would you like to grab some with me?"
"We should definitely do that. You know, my birthday is coming up, and that's probably what my family and I'll be doing."

Truthfully, ladies and gents, I straight up don't remember what happened next. It's too late, and it's been a few days. But it was positive, and I think I was invited to go with her family. I don't want to presume this, so I need to talk to her when it's closer to set things up anyway.

It's cool though. I felt the antsy feeling in my brain come, but as soon as I started talking, it went away. How silly. I don't really know her, so I won't buy her a gift, but I will make her a kirigami card. To help cement my self and style into her memory.

I'm going to go plant the seeds of friendship with the other A when I see her next, and I'll go from there to get guy friends. I'm think E and N to start. I want to be able to "hang out".

Things are looking up for me. :)

I am excellent at problem solving.

There are very few steps to my methodology, which helps it to be small, sleek, and universally applicable. It is in no way unique, or special, but most people I've encountered simply don't do it that way I do. For me, there exists 2 points. P, the problem, and S the solution. It is of course modified for whatever situation is required, be it Electrical work, Cooking, Sex, or in the case I'm about to show you, People. In its most basic form, it is modified by I (Individuals involved), O (outlook), A (actions), and K (knowledge).

So S = P/(O(AK))^I

You know what stuck me today? My outlook was incorrect. The way I viewed the situation was that she and I were best friends, and lovers who eventually fell apart. I felt that we separated because we "didn't have a future". We would just repeat the same thing over again. While correct in my understanding of that timeline's outcome, I didn't really understand why it was that way.

So we moved at different vectors. She did whatever it was that she did, and I found that I could love my filipina, because I desperately needed to be loved. I love her in a way that I have not loved before. The intensity is of course less, as well as the obsession and dependence, but what is most different is that I ask only for love from her, and not friendship. With JJ, and Luciana before her, I was friends first, and that grew to something deeper. One individual sated 2 needs, and I thought that was how it was supposed to be done. Give yourself in your entirety to her, and get the same back. This is of course, an ideal, and rarely found on this earth.

When I discovered this, I was overjoyed. I wasn't in love with her anymore! I could have my friend back! Hooray! But that wasn't how it went. When I asked her to meet me, this was the response:

     "At this point in time I don't think it would be wise to meet up. I hope your life is going well."

Outrage is not a strong enough word for this. For me, it was a simple yes, or no. I interpreted her response as "I'm going to stand in the middle of the road and refuse you, but not actually refuse you because I want to keep my options open." So I responded in anger:

     "Please elaborate. Do you mean 'not now' or 'not again'? Why do you do me such a disservice by giving me a obviously unsatisfactory      response? Answer this question, and I'll leave you alone; do you want to see me again? If so, then we will meet at our leisure. If not, then you need not be concerned about hearing from me again.

When you answer me, please give me a straight answer."

To which she replied:

     "Why the hell do you want to come back if you think I'm such a selfish bitch? I really don't feel like we can be friends anymore. And I think my response was clear enough. I said "at this point in time", which clearly meant "not now". I just don't need your drama right now. Please don't contact me again."

This is the key that I missed. Do you see it as clearly as I do now? The fact that I didn't make this connection was stupid of me, and proof the my emotions were ruling me. She said she didn't think we could be friends, but still desired to meet later. She desired to keep me on backup. Probably not conciously, and more than likely with good intentions, but on back up none the less. It was here that I began to lose my mind. I didn't understand. I couldn't fathom, but I intuitively knew that I was heading in the "correct" direction, even if it hurt more the further along I was. All of you read that business on my LJ. She responded to it as well in email.

     "The reason why I don't want to meet with you right now is because I don't feel like I'm ready to meet you yet. While you have been changing, so have I, although not as abruptly. I'm glad everything is going well in your life and I hope she is the one you marry. I don't know when or if we will ever meet again, but I will never forget that I had a friend like you. I hope you have a good life because I know you deserve it and I also knew that I could not give it to you. I am doing good right now, just really busy with medical school. I hope you do go to college and become whatever you want. The one thing that I'll always remember is our walks around the neighborhood. So I guess this is good-bye for now, and I promise, no matter what you write in your livejournal, I will not be reading it anymore. I guess I'll email you when I'm ready to meet one day, or you can email me if you want. I just wasn't expecting you to want to meet so soon, I was going to give it at least a year or two. Anyway, don't reply to this email. I really hope one day we can meet every now and then for a drink or something and talk about our lives and show each other pictures of our kids or something. But till then, I hope you have a good life."

Roughly a month later, I responded, far into the depths of uncertainty, self doubt, self pity, pain aversion, depression, lonliness, and loss. I burned the bridge, citing the reason that I couldn't stand the hope of seeing my best friend again, and that I couldn't stand in limbo waiting on the whim of her desire to see me. Did you know that the moment after I clicked the "send" button, I regretted it? I knew it was incorrect, because I wrote it in a stream of emotion. But a bridge burned for one reason is still just as burned if you didn't mean it. This was in April. I went absolutely nuts then, to the point where my family suggested that I enroll in mental services. I attempted to talk to some of the people I know about it, and was refused. At one point, I even called Faith, and she answered "You could not have called at a worse possible time." I said that I understood, and we hung up.

Faith... She and I don't really have a relationship anymore. We're both much too busy for that, and though I hope it isn't correct, I think she just forgot about me, just as I do about her. I go weeks without think about her, because we do not really have any affect on eachother's lives, and I don't get on facebook. I'm not bitter about this, nor even disappointed. I have only good memories regarding her, even if I didn't take any damned pictures together when we met. LoL

So then my filipina left, and I became increasingly isolated, working 2 jobs and going to school. The waiting job has helped me a good deal. I interact with different people every time, and even have a few customers that request me by name. LoL It is meager pay, but it's more than I had. The interaction and pleasure I get from other people is what drives me to do it more now anyway. Truthfully, I'd probably still go there to work some even if they didn't pay me. While this was all well and good, I found that I was becoming a timid, introverted person. This was further aggrivated when I asked my sister if she cared about what I thought, and she said no. I came to understand that I in all likelihood, due to my past experiences, I will never open the door to friendship again. Not because I don't want to, but because I forgot how to do it. I don't understand how to make friends with people who already have their set of friends lined out. Rather than have nothing, I take what I can get. Appreciation, admiration, keeps me from full abdication from this world. It's not what I need, but it's enough.

I think that my mistake in outlook was that I thought I was her friend. I think that if I was her friend, then she was have met with me when I asked, and though we'd definitely had had less communication, we'd still know eachother. I think that she was afraid that she'd treat me like a back up again, and that we'd just go through the same cycle if her boyfriend broke up with her when she didn't want him to. This is understandable, but it was not in my plane of understanding due to my miscalculation. I regret not seeing it, but... what can be done?

It's sort of strange seeing this all at once. I finally understand it all. There really aren't any questions left. I understand.

You know what troubles me though? I know that if I was in a situation where I had to sacrifice everyone I cared about, and who cared about me for JJ or vice versa, I would think about it. I couldn't pin down an answer in under 5 seconds like I do with all other number decisions like that. If it were Beth for Everyone, I know instantly I'd pick Everyone, because their number is greater.

Maybe JJ knows that too, and that's why she stays away. I want to believe that, but truthfully, I think living her life in medical school, having her boyfriend, her traveling, everything... I think she forgot me too. Not in the big picture of course, the "I'll always remember you!" drivel, but in the small picture. I bet that she doesn't think about me anymore at all.

That's the way I said I wanted it though.

Oh well.

When you write like a child, you think like a child. When you think like a child, you act like a child. When you act like a child, then you cannot maintain respect for yourself.

The quality of my writing has been subpar for easily years now. The emotional "venting" that I bring to the table serves to only let out strong emotions, and feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. Such outbursts are not focus on a main goal or even something as simple as feeling positive. They simply are vented, like waste heat from an air conditioner.

This is unacceptable.

A guy assaulted me today after I sold the scrap I've been collecting.

When he grabbed at me, I caught his hand, twisted it, and broke his arm. I then dislocated his knee by stomping it from the side, and I kicked him in the stomach a few times so that he would not get up for a while.

The strange thing was that while my heart rate was elevated a little, I didn't feel any fear or anger. I felt surprise when he jumped out at me, and annoyance when I was leaving, but that's it.

The strangest thing was this thought I had:
"You know, I could kill this guy, and get away with it. He attacked me first, and I've fucked him up pretty badly already in just a few seconds, and it's very believable that I just went a touch overboard on him. But you know... Why is this dude trying to take my money? Crack? Heroin? Food? Dunno. Hm. I know what it sounds like when someone kills themselves over the phone. I've seen videos of people dying and being murdered. Do you think it actually feels like anything more than killing an animal or an insect? I don't bet it does."

Of course, I didn't pause time for this miniature soliloquy. The pictures flashed. Not the words. I told him "Don't do that again." and left.

Then I went up to my parents house for a bit, and then got some dental work done. Now half my face is numb, and I'm going to go ride my bike.

As of this morning, I weigh 220 lbs. I think it's cheating, because it was after using the restroom, and before I ate. LoL

Ladies and gents, those of you that have seen me. I don't think you'd recognize me.

I don't even recognize me anymore. Jing Jing's Daniel would have tried to avoid the situation or run. I crippled the dude. Jing Jing's Daniel would probably have made sure he was OK, maybe even given him some of my money. I was apathetic, and harsh.

I think I've stopped missing her. I understand that I won't ever have a life where I can live like that again. I understand that I don't get to have a friend and a lover. It's one, or the other.

I was talking to Beth last night and she said something like this:
"Babes. I have had 2 boyfriends, but I think you are my first love."

I said:
"I love loved before, babes. I have loved hotly and furiously in a way that made me obsessive, jealous, and insane. The way I love you, babes, is warm. It is comforting, inviting, and something that is designed to last."

It was terribly cute, but she got all teary. LoL

Off to ride bikes with my neighbor.

I haven't stopped missing her at all. It sucks, because I know there isn't a solution. You can't make 1+1=3.

I feel like christian bale's character in Harsh Times. Not sleeping. Working hard at both jobs everyday.

When I was at the dentist's office today, the woman doing the prep asked me if I shaved my head this morning. I had. She placed her hand on my head and stroked backward.

Imagine a pleasureable sensation that is not sexual, and not satisfactorial in the manner than muscle massage and popping joints are.

It is a good vibe. I love personal contact.

I can't remember what it feels like to be hugged. I can't. I can remember the picture of it. I can't remember doing it, but I can't remember the feeling.

In the long run, it doesn't really matter I guess.

I was talking to my family, and they said they thought I was working too hard. My mom asked "I know you working all the time, but have you met anyone new?"

I said "No. I don't have any personal relationships."

My dad said "There's time for that."

He knows. He knows how it ends, because he did it too. He DID THE SAME FUCKING THING! AND I DID IT TOO! GOD DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT TO HELL!

NEVER COMPROMISE?! NEVER COMPROMISE! THAT'S WHY YOU FAIL! THAT IS WHY YOU ARE ONLY... YOU! YOU NEVER COMPROMISED ON THIS UNTIL YOU WENT ON THAT STUPID FUCKING FAST AND UNIFIED YOUR STUPID FUCKING MIND! NOW look what you are. Incapable of reading people. Incapable of deep self reflection. Incapable of interacting with people in a meaningful way. Incapable of

May you live a long and uneventful life, and be forgotten by the people you CLAIMED to love.

I just don't want to be alone.

WORTHLESS! You gave up happiness, even if it was only in brief spurts, for contentment. Bullshit you "released" her. Bollocks to that. You did it out of guilt. Because you wanted her to be happy. You worthless cunt. I want you to fucking TYPE IT!

Beth is only "in love" with me because she was abused, and I treat her nicely, make her feel wanted/valuable. I am keeping her because I fear dying alone, and I know that I have her "hooked".

WE WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT SEPARATELY! WE CANNOT EXIST AS ONE! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! I FEEL CONTAMINATED BY YOU! LOOK AT YOU, JUST ROCKING BACK AND FORTH. WE KNOW THEY'LL ONLY GIVE US FUCKING BRAIN DEADENERS. THEY'LL MAKE US INTO A ZOMBIE. I'D RATHER BE INSANE THAN A ZOMBIE.

I'm so tired. No matter how much I sleep, I can't get any rest. 10 HOURS 8 6 4 2. it all feels the same.

just.. a hug. hold my hand. some thing.

please make it stop i cant go on like this

Yes I can. And I will. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning, go to work, do a superior job, come home, shower, shave, iron, go to work, do a superior job (at least as far as comment cards say), come home, shower, check email, then go to sleep. Repeat.

I've been crying alot, but oddly, it's only ever in my car. I don't know why. Something about being in my car or being in transit gets me. My sister told my family that I seem like I'm on drugs.

It's funny.

I haven't done a single drug since... sophomore year in highschool? I've been offered it a few times, but refused. Now my own sister. My kin. My fucking blood. They think I'm on ice.


Every time I see short, tan asian women at the restaurant, I hope it's her. Every time I see her white mobile, I check the plates to see if it's her.

How psycho is that? I know her plate numbers. Damn it.

Beth: "Babes, when are you going to come see me?"
Me: " I haven't pinned down an EXACT date, but I am thinking in January. Maybe we can celebrate my birthday. LoL All I have to do is work hard."
Beth: "I'll pray for you. Be careful to get enough rest, and to not abuse yourself."
Me: "No worries, babes."
Beth: "I love you."
Me: "Mahal na mahal din kita sobra. Hindi halata?"
Beth: "Oo. I'm lucky, babes."
Me: "Nah, babes. I am the lucky one. Believe me when I say I would be completely nuts if you weren't around."

Beth told me once that she knew I was hurt, and she understood. I think she really does, and that's why she never asks me about it. She knows it wouldn't help anything, and would only dig up pain.

I am grateful for this.

Also, need to get my passport in order. I've been told that takes a few months to get done. After I get my money back from James, I'll send in the paperwork.

Just shut up. Really. That's all you have to do.

Keep it inside, and keep your mouth closed.

Shut up.

I see the sword of Damocles.

So I go where I don't want to go.

I do what I don't want to do.

internal internal internal internal
internal internal internal internal

This is a fabrication.*

*- This is a fabrication.

frabictionfabricationfabricationationationationationfabfabfabfabfab

idontmindthesunsometimestheimagesit
shows
sehtolcymniuoyllemsdnaspilymnouoyetsatnaci

Nope Nope NOPE! I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't smell them at all. None. None None None.

Please don't talk to me like you're stupid. I know you're not.
Shut up, and don't worry about it. It isn't like you'll ever see her again. We don't even matter anymore. That chapter is ended, and


Oriental beat back to mystery city. Lean on me, two steps from the move. BANGKOCK SHOCKS AND SAIGON SHAKES! I can't enjoy Hanoi, so I'll annoy someone's boy toy. Fluctuations are occurring between sharp contact with external reality and hyperreflectiveness about the self.

Don't worry. We left because we could not find happiness with eachother. It's OK. It's OOOOoooookkkkaaaaaaaay. Shhhhh.

This is all internal fantasy. It is desire to escape from reality and retreat into ourself. Please, don't give up. It's like approaching the speed of light, or like the head robot's last few brains. There is no end in sight, but there is one. You're just too damned alone. Please, just... go fake it. Faking it is better than nothing at all. Go get drunk or something. Abuse some substances. Christ, I just don't want to go back inside. It's not real. It's like the fucking videodrome. A GRAMME A FUCKING DAY KEEPS THE DOCTA AWAY!

Keep the doctor away... LOL That's funny. I just was rereading this all real quick, and I noticed that. IT KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY! THE DOCTOR! IT KEEPS HER AWAY!!! LOLOLOLOLOL

My stomach hurts, and i'm really thirsty. Could you please start laundry and get us something to eat? I'm really feeling unwell, and we need a clean uniform tomorrow. I also would like to talk to Beth while we are doing laundry. I miss her. And a shower. I really need a shower and a shave. We've only drank a pint of fluid today. Please drink something.

OK.

There ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees.
I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, there ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back though you know I wish I could,
oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked,

Until we close our eyes for good.

Chianna says:

"Go fast with the body, slow with the soul. Maybe you should find someone like that."

It's stupid, I get tired, moody, and talk shit.

Success is not something to brag about or to dwell on, it is something to be used, and moved on from. Success means that there is only a new challenge ahead of you.

I can't think of anything to say.

London bridge is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
London bridge is falling down
My fair Lady

Build it up with wood and clay
Wood and clay
Wood and clay
Build it up with wood and clay
My fair lady

Wood and clay will wash away
Wash away
Wash away
Wood and clay will wash away
My fair lady

Build it up with bricks and mortar
Bricks and mortar
Bricks and mortar
Build it up with bricks and mortar
My fair lady

Bricks and mortar will not stay
Will not stay
Will not stay
Bricks and mortar will not stay
My fair lady.

Build it up with iron and steel
Iron and steel
Iron and steel
Build it up with iron and steel
My fair lady

Iron and steel with bend and bow
Bend and bow
Bend and bow
Iron and steel with bend and bow
My fair lady

Build it up with silver and gold
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Build it up with silver and gold
My fair lady.

Silver and gold will be stolen away
Stolen away
Stolen away
Silver and gold will be stolen away
My fair lady

Set a man to watch all night
Watch all night
Watch all night
Set a man to watch all night
My fair lady

Suppose the man should fall asleep
Fall asleep
Fall asleep
Suppose the man should fall asleep
My fair lady

Give him a pipe to smoke all night
Smoke all night
Smoke all night
Give him a pipe to smoke all night
My fair lady